Yeah, screw this. 

I tried again, but because there are several different bugs interacting and
screwing up the boot process, I really can't seem to be able to figure out
which one exactly is borking up which build. 

I've been waiting for more than a year to be able to use my laptop the way it
was meant to be, and I'm now ready to declare that I'm never again buying a
piece of hardware that hasn't already been confirmed to work with Linux.